May 25th, 2009
I spend a lot of time wishing I am better. I wish I could be chill and jive like Jason Mraz; I wish I could be spontaneous and adventurous like other people, other people who seem not suffer the consequences? I always suffer, I always pay for whatever I do. Without careful steps and agonizingly tedious covering up, I do nothing with it either being discovered, or ying-yang'd back in my face with some kind of instant karma. It's not even that what I do is wrong, it's like when I have a wonderful time somewhere, I have to suffer thrice the depression before I can have any kind of happiness again. Does anyone understand what I'm saying? I want what others have, and just being grateful for the things I do have doesn't seem to satisfy. Am I being greedy? I'd like to think not, when I know from solid facts that I am lacking some kind of molecule that allows our race to thrive and be merry. Merriment! I am pretty good at that, but why can't it ever last? It seems to drag on forever in some induviduals lives, when in others it seems normal that they, and I, do not keep it. I know I can have great things, do great things, yet I feel like an unmerciful force is keeping them out of reach, letting my finger tips brush the edges of delight, only to be yanked out of sight again and again. I seems an awful representation of teenage life, I feel like I may be being hypocritical, and ungrateful. But I somehow know, deep down, it isn't me! I'm not to blame! I just know it, I know I will get my just reward someday, and when I do, those responsible for my unwarrented unhappiness will also get what they desurve.
Having said all that, I think I'll go do something fun.
-Danielle
I spend a lot of time wishing I am better. I wish I could be chill and jive like Jason Mraz; I wish I could be spontaneous and adventurous like other people, other people who seem not suffer the consequences? I always suffer, I always pay for whatever I do. Without careful steps and agonizingly tedious covering up, I do nothing with it either being discovered, or ying-yang'd back in my face with some kind of instant karma. It's not even that what I do is wrong, it's like when I have a wonderful time somewhere, I have to suffer thrice the depression before I can have any kind of happiness again. Does anyone understand what I'm saying? I want what others have, and just being grateful for the things I do have doesn't seem to satisfy. Am I being greedy? I'd like to think not, when I know from solid facts that I am lacking some kind of molecule that allows our race to thrive and be merry. Merriment! I am pretty good at that, but why can't it ever last? It seems to drag on forever in some induviduals lives, when in others it seems normal that they, and I, do not keep it. I know I can have great things, do great things, yet I feel like an unmerciful force is keeping them out of reach, letting my finger tips brush the edges of delight, only to be yanked out of sight again and again. I seems an awful representation of teenage life, I feel like I may be being hypocritical, and ungrateful. But I somehow know, deep down, it isn't me! I'm not to blame! I just know it, I know I will get my just reward someday, and when I do, those responsible for my unwarrented unhappiness will also get what they desurve.
Having said all that, I think I'll go do something fun.
-Danielle
